I heard a Teal Swan quote several months ago that really stuck with me. I can't recall the exact words anymore, but it was something like:
The new age community is filled with relationally-traumatized people. People don't turn to God until there's absolutely no one else.
This quote stuck with me because it's my story too. During my childhood, I never formed an emotional bond with any warm-blooded creature. No adult, no child, no animal. It's just how it was. I was alone a lot, and when I was alone was the only time I felt safe. What I did bond with was the grass and the trees and the sky, and God.
In the neighborhood where I grew up in Portland, Oregon, the trees outnumbered the people. Their soft, steady voices spoke from backyards and parking strips and vacant lots gone wild or never cleared of trees in the first place. The grass, green and strong from nine months of rain per year, cradled my small back and spoke to me of the doings of the birds, raccoons, opossums, and coyotes, and the ripeness of the blackberries which took over every inch of land they could. The sky whispered to my heart that all things are connected, that the energy of my body is the energy of all things, and that the universe is vast and old.
This, of course, is how I can do the shamanic work I do, which is amazing and magical and brings tons of purpose and meaning to my life and all of that. It also makes relationships really hard for me. Strengths and weaknesses are always the two sides of the same coin.
It took time and work to embrace the strength that this situation gave me. It's also been about 30 years now that I've been working on healing my attachment pattern. I've read a pile of books and gotten good results from EMDR therapy. Plant medicine continues to be very helpful. I've also had wonderful teachers in the form of difficult relationships.
In school, we learn the history and theory of a topic, and then we practice it. This is how we develop mastery. In Earth School, it's the same. We learn, and we practice, and we fail, which gives up an opportunity to learn and make our next practice attempt better.
Based on the title of this blog post, you can probably guess where I currently am in the learn, practice, fail, learn, practice cycle. Yep, it's the messy middle: fail and learn.
With the hope that you will find these words strengthening for wherever you are on your journey, here's the extended mantra I wrote for myself in the depths of the "fail" part:
Every day
It will get easier
I will get stronger
I will come out of denial
And begin to gracefully accept what is
I will forgive myself for the hurtful things I did
And the loving things I failed to do
I will believe in my own innate worthiness to be loved
I will take comfort in the gentle and persistent rhythms of nature
I will walk bravely in the direction of my own becoming
With great gratitude for my soul bestie that made this most recent round of learning possible, I wish you all much love and courage as you walk with your own learning. Please let me know how I can support you.
Amaya